The Beautiful Perseverance

(My 200th post!)

Today I posted the latest update for Eikasia (Chapter 41.3) and it made me think of something.

The beauty of perseverance.

I was down almost a thousand words until meeting my word count goal and I was in a funky mood this morning. I considered saying, “No, I won’t write today. I’ll do it some other day.” The lethargy pressed down on me hard, to the point that even sitting up and looking at my computer screen seemed to take great effort. Negative thoughts ran rampant through my head. “You can’t do this. Your story’s quality is declining–not that it was that high to begin with. This update is boring.” What loomed over me was a big thick wall, and spray painted across it was the phrase: YOU CAN’T DO IT.

Then I just started typing. I ignored it all as best I could and just started typing. Did the feelings go away? No, actually. I felt like crap the entire time I typed. Almost unto the point of tears, even. But the point is, I got it done. After I read it to my husband and heard his input, I realized afterwards that this really WAS all just in my head, and there was nothing wrong with my update as a whole.

I’ve been very open on this blog about my struggles with depression-anxiety, and I’m proud to say that I’ve handled my pregnancy just fine, and haven’t had the need to resort to medications again since I kicked them to the curb October 2012. The thing is, while perhaps the degree of my sudden funk is not what most experience, to have a funk AT ALL is something I think everyone can relate to, especially with writing. I guess the point of this little post was to just say…if I can do it, so can you. Sometimes you just have to chew through it. Yes, even when it is really bad. What perpetuates depression is not depression, it’s our willingness to allow for it.

My husband’s been watching The Ultimate Fighter on DVD, and while I recognize that many of you aren’t into MMA fighting (or even despise it) I wanted to share this insightful bit of advice from fighter, Chael Sonnen. I think it can be applied in any person’s career, hobby, or lifestyle, including writing.

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Eikasia Chapter Preview…What number was it again? Do you care?

So here is the chapter preview for…the next…Eikasia update….

…It’s bad when I can’t remember what number I’m at, right? OH MY GOD. WTH. SOMEONE SLAP ME. RIGHT NAO.

(shut up and take this preview before I change my mind!)

—–

When the dark came over them, whole and impenetrable, Hakeem ceased moving. When he looked back behind him, he saw no light. In their home world, this would be impossible—they hadn’t traveled far from the edge of the forest. But this was the Other Place, and it was a half-world, fraught with magic. This was a supernatural darkness.

 

He opened his mouth to mention this when—

 

“I can’t see!” That was Nyx. Her voice was tight with sudden panic. She sounded far away.

 

“Nyx?” Elmiryn. She was behind him.

 

“Get off my foot, idiot!” Quincy. She was to his right. Perhaps a few steps.

 

“Stay calm,” he said, reaching toward his wife. His hand swiped through air.

 

“Elle!?” Nyx again. Her voice traveled and he heard brush being disturbed. “Elle, where’d you—ah!” There was a thud.

 

“Cajeck!” Kali, now. “Stop stumbling around like that!”

 

“Nyx, you’re going the wrong way!” Elmiryn called. Now she was on Hakeem’s immediate left.

 

“In case you haven’t noticed, Kali, we can’t see anything. Historically this has never been a good thing!” Nyx snapped.

 

“Elmiryn, gods damn it, get off my foot!” Quincy snarled.

 

The warrior’s response was tight with laughter. “Wizard, I’m not even touching you!”

 

“Then…Then what–?”

 

“ELMIRYN!!” It was Nyx again. Hakeem heard sharp snapping sounds, like threads breaking.

 

“Nyx!? Nyx!” Hakeem felt Elmiryn shove past him.

 

The Fanaean covered his face with both his hands, a groan coming up his throat. “Everyone just calm down…”

 

A scuffle. It sounded like snapping wood. Hakeem couldn’t pin point the source.

 

“Nyx? Where the hell—?”

 

“R-Right here, Elle.” Nyx’s voice was small. “I just…it was moss. Just…uh…moss.”

 

Kali’s voice was a disgruntled grind. “A Champion of Survival, and she still can’t stand the feel of hanging vegetation.”

 

“It was scary vegetation! Okay!?”

 

“Kitten…” Elmiryn’s relief was apparent even amidst layers of exasperation.

 

Hakeem spoke loudly. “If all you women are finished being silly—”

 

“Hey, midget.” The gentle tone vanished as the warrior’s voice steeled. “I don’t care how little you are, I will kick you in the cod piece.”

 

He cleared his throat, clasping his hands in front of him. “Noted. I just wanted to let you all know that I recognize what’s happening.”

 

“And what is happening exactly?” Kali asked.

 

“We’re deep inside a magical edge effect.”

 

“A…what?”

 

“Are you familiar with the legend of the blackwood?”

 

“I am.” That was Elmiryn. Her voice had turned somber. “It was the forest of devils.”

 

Hakeem smiled in the dark. “Yes. The forest was famous for its ability to separate the color spectrum.”

 

“Aesutan used it to clothe himself in the ways of the universe.” Elmiryn’s voice was virtually a whisper now.

 

Hakeem frowned at this as he resumed. Was that a note of realization in her voice? “Yes…Meaning color can be manually manipulated.”

 

“Someone made a barrier of the color black!” Nyx exclaimed.

 

“Actually, black is the absence of color, and as color simply makes up the spectrum of light then it’s absence means—”

 

“We can’t see,” the Ailuran finished. “Fascinating! And…troublesome.”

 

“Very good, ikati. You’re correct. We should–” Hakeem broke off as his body tensed. Something just occurred to him.

 

“Hakeem? Is something the matter?”

 

The Fanaean waved his hands through the dark, trying to feel his way. “Mweze? Are you there? Mweze?”

 

“Oh. Oh no! That’s right, Quincy hasn’t said anything for nearly a minute,” Nyx murmured.

 

“What’s the problem?” Elmiryn asked. “She does that all the time!”

 

“Yes, but she does that with a level of menace that tells of a desire to hit you. That feeling’s noticeably absent.”

 

“When you say ‘you’—”

 

“I’m referring to you, Elmiryn.”

 

“I…you know, for once I have nothing to say to that.”

I got some ‘splainin to do…

Video is wonky for some damn reason. First few seconds glitch, then starts up. Youtube chewed it up. I’ll do a new one and post it, but for the most part I hope you guys get the gist of what I’m trying to say:

It’s going to be late…

…But the Eikasia and Akumu Love Panic! updates WILL come, okay guys? Just a bit late. I had work all day today, then tomorrow I fly to California to be with family after a year and a half away from home.
Just wanted to give a heads up!

Updates Updates Updates!

It’s up and ready, though a bit short, for reasons stated in my recent post. Next week I fly to California, but I’ll still be updating (as well as doing school). With work out of the picture and just fun times with the fam and friends, I’m hoping my creative muse and the powers that be will be more generous with me. >_>
As it stands, I’ve decided to update ALP! with what I’ve got as well. It’s about the same length of my Eikasia update, and has a bit of a cliffhanger, but I hope to end it within the week. I can’t come up with enough excuses. All I can say is that I finally made a small step forward!

Out of Ammo

My house feels haunted sometimes.

With my husband and me on opposite schedules it’s almost laughable how two people living in the same house barely see each other. The loneliness I feel is immense. So if you’re wondering where I got the inspiration for Elmiryn’s lonely nature…there you go.

For no particular reason I’ve felt very depressed and frustrated. Any happiness I’ve found in the past two weeks has felt short lived. I’m not trying to sound melodramatic, because I realize that my recent challenges have not been the worst I’ve been through or ever will be. But there’s something in my angle of perspective at the moment that’s not allowing me to see the good in my life. I get anxious and depressed and feel….angry. Angry at everything. Resentful almost. Yesterday I had a scary moment. I went to my husband’s drawer and pulled out his glock. When I realized there were no bullets I got mad. Not because I felt like Eric didn’t trust me, but because I couldn’t do what I wanted…which I’m still not certain what that was. I just knew I felt destructive. Towards myself. I felt like I was railing against the limits of my life: financially, physically, morally…

You see why I avoided doing a personal blog? I just get whiny and dark like this. Anyway, I’m at work and have to get back. Eikasia may be late and so may ALP!.

I’m going to keep trying guys. At everything.